The Problem of Happiness

In the early days of a therapy relationship, it is not uncommon to hear clients speak of their goals simply as: "I just want to be happy.". At first glance, there is an utter reasonableness about it all--who doesn't want to feel happy? It is a wonderful feeling, after all. It's worth exploring such a statement further though, because we live in a cultural space that ends up obsessing about happiness. Popular culture, marketing, even our families, can impress upon us the value of "just being happy". The self-help bookshelves are loaded up promises of programs, techniques, or "hacks" to get happy quickly--and stay that way. It's an elusive process though, that gets us into the stumbling business of what I like to call "chasing happiness". The idea of "just wanting to be happy" is a set up in fact--because it suggests that the solution to whatever ills are present can be solved merely with the appearance of a new--and singular and continuous--emotional state. 

This is a fantasy plays out indirectly when people say "when I finally/ then" statements, such as:

"When I finally retire in x years, then I'll be happy."

"When I finally meet someone I can love, then I'll be happy"

"When I finally get that raise / promotion / title, then I'll be happy"

"When my divorce is finalized and my ex is off my case, then I'll be happy"

The problem here is that we tie a situational circumstance to the feeling--we imply to ourselves that the feeling is created and maintained solely by the outside circumstances. But feelings are more complex in their relationship to the happenings of the outside world. And such a view is disempowering to ourselves because it ignores the innumerable ways in which we may interpret and work with external situations as well as the diverse ways we may work internally with our feelings.

Happiness is a Temporary State

Ultimately, chasing happiness has a mirage like quality to it simply because happiness is, like all other emotions, fluid and temporary, not a permanent state. 

The cultural obsession with overvaluing happiness can be understood equally as the deep seated fear of so-called darker emotions. It is not just that happiness is so great but that at least if we are purely feeling happy then perhaps we are kept away from other emotions that we do not wish to feel: anger, disappointment, loneliness, shame. But this type of phobic response leaves us unprepared for the full experience of what it is to live meaningfully. Perhaps, if I can be more accepting of the experience of the range of my feelings, more able to "hang out" in them, then my need for a singular outcome--or emotion--is lessened.

Our Societal Phobia of Darker Emotions

You don't have to venture far in our culture to experience the phobia of darker emotions. Consider the frequency with which some people use these phrases:

"Get over it"

"Stop worrying so much"

"You're too needy / sensitive"

"Why do you have to get so emotional about it?"

or--my particular favourite trendy one of late: "I just don't want any drama!". 

All these utterances appear to be about the person being addressed in the interaction, but what is fascinating is that they are far more declarations about the person saying the lines. And what is being said is:

"I feel threatened / fearful of the intensity of your sadness / hurt",

"I don't know how to respond in a way that helps so I feel inept / incapable every time I see these emotions in you",

"Your feelings of darkness remind me of the parts of me that I shoved far down a long time ago--your having these feelings scares me that mine might start to arise if I stay with you in this".

 

We Need All of Our Feelings To Navigate Life Well

These types of fears are commonplace in our interactions and are a reflection of social norms that are engendered by a societal fear of darker emotions. This is problematic in that it leaves us poorly prepared for the inevitable experiences of pain, loss, and grief that are a normal part of living. And when I say "living", I mean really going through life in a way that feels alive. That requires an emotional investment, a risk to care, which means that we all are going to experience some regret, hurt, heartbreak, or let down. The presence of such feelings are not personal failings any more than we would ascribe personal failure to an infant crying out for his/her mother in a time of need. We would just look at the baby and say "well, of course they are feeling something". The same is true throughout our lifespan; to be certain, adulthood is a different ballgame than infancy, but adult life is still very full of the same feelings and human needs. We don't stop having needs and feelings just because we have turned 18.

Often, our painful emotions are a kind of answer for us. Sometimes, for example, they are helping us to feel about and respond to something we are experiencing that may be sad, distressing, frightening, or sobering. We need our feelings--all of them. We are wired to feel the fullest range of emotion and all our emotions help us to be oriented to what is happening, and in particular what we need.

So where do we look to, instead of setting ourselves and our lives up for the mirage of chasing happiness? We look to create and live meaningful lives. Anecdotally, there are scores of research studies interviewing people in late stages of life or approaching death. Their views are frequently not about wishing to have been happier but to have risked more, to have allowed more vulnerability to connect, to have loved more fully, to have listened to and developed their voices more. And what they look back on in life's memories are not just the happy times, but the experiences that helped them grow and live. Those are the ones we can choose to seek out now, from whatever starting point we find ourselves at.

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