Autonomous Goals: The Key to Getting Out of a Relationship Rut
/One thing that most couples do when they run into trouble is that they tend to point to each other as the causes of the difficulty. Let's consider a hypothetical couple, Benjamin and Marise, to see how this happens, and how they can unhook from this negative cycle.
A Couple Caught in Classic Emotional Quicksand
Benjamin blames Marise for many of their fights because he thinks she "makes too much drama" about things. Marise, on the other hand, has a different take: sure she blows up sometimes, but only because Benjamin is “so self-absorbed” that he doesn't focus much care and attention in listening to her. From there, the decline in relations is predictable, as each partner tries to make a case as to why their story is the correct one while also discrediting their partner’s version of events.
It’s no surprise that these conflicts don't tend to go well or end well. In therapy, Benjamin harbours a (not so secret) fantasy that Marise will be told in therapy that yes, she really is making too much of things and to give poor Benjamin a break. Marise has a similar hope: that somehow if Benjamin could listen more, pay a little more attention, then she wouldn't have to be yelling Just! To! Be! Heard!
It's easy to see how both of them would want what they want. And it's easy to see that if this was actually just going to happen in this fantasy form like a magical rainbow or skittles falling from the sky, it would have happened already. So now what? Are Benjamin and Marise stuck forever in this whirlwind? What is the way out? Because, well, they want what they want.
Look, it may well be true that your partner is a big contributor to some of the problems in your relationship. In fact, there must be something to what you're saying about your experience of him/her that has truth to it. But the same can usually be said for both parties. The trouble with a focus on your partner's shortcomings in such dynamics is that it quickly leaves you feeling out of control and disempowered. And that can't be good for you even if your partner IS being defensive or self-absorbed or passive-aggressive or…well, you get where I’m going with this.
I'm not suggesting that your partner isn't serious or willing to make change, but I want to help you to break the implicit power-struggle that can get you into stalemate. So, let’s shift the focus to you…
Fear is Keeping You Stuck In Quicksand
Marise has a classic fallback to Benjamin's accusations that she is too hot tempered: "Sure, I'll work on my temper as soon as you get your crap together so I don't have to yell anymore."
But there are other variations of this same theme with couples who get caught in this dynamic. Can you see the similarity with this statement below?
"Why should I change anything about me? You're the one who (had the affair, made a mistake, said something unkind, etc). You go first. Prove you love me / are serious / can commit / will stop using drugs / etc. THEN I will look at changing me.”
Often what is underlying these protests is a deep set of fears and anxieties. Most commonly, they are one of the following three fears. See if any of these resonate for you:
Fear of Shame: "If I change and my partner doesn't, that will make me look bad or weak.” This type of fear comes about when couples have a win/lose orientation to conflict. In this way of thinking about it, conflict means one of you has to capitulate and admit being “in the wrong” and one of you will be vindicated for your “rightness”.—and that these are the only two categories. It's a Zero-Sum game.
Often when partners grow up in families that model this type of conflict, they learn that the worst thing is to be able to take responsibility because that is akin to humiliation. No wonder couples strongly want to avoid this! But of course, this is really a problem with thinking about couple conflict as adversarial, me vs. you. It means conflict is a fight where only one of us will be left standing victorious at the end. It also makes tending to relational wounds impossible: apologizing and olive branch extending or other forms of relational repair are simply off the table. That limits you greatly in your relationship.
Fear of Vulnerability: "If I actually change X about myself, I will have to face something difficult".
Sometimes, a change that seems good on the surface (eg. not yelling anymore at your partner when angry) can actually be more complicated. Some changes solve a surface problem but create a new one. For example, for a partner to actually move from yelling and reactivity to staying in the conversation with more presence, they may have to feel or share more vulnerable feelings, which are helpful but uncomfortable. It can be easier to hide behind a defensive stance of hot anger or cold detachment.
Fear of Loss or Change: "What if I / we try this and it doesn't work? Will that be the end of the relationship?".Chronic bitterness or even surface power struggles can sometimes become a relationship breaker if unattended to, but on the other hand, there are lots of couples who live endlessly in this type of state. When this dynamic is going on, there is an implicit agreement that these frustrations are better than the alternative of not being together (loss) or making changes to improve the relationship (discomfort of growth and change).
Ultimately what helps here is getting clear about your reasons for staying or leaving…or changing. "I'm scared" is a valid feeling to have, but it runs you into a dead end because fear is not a plan for solving problems. And...you need a plan, right?
These fears often lurk in the background of relationship dynamics. It's rare for couples to actually talk about some of the underlying fears. I name them here because if you identify with any of them, it's helpful to talk about them together. It diffuses the anxiety and lets you actually look at the changes you want to make for yourself.
On to Solid Ground
We're talking here about shifting the focus of power play from one where you try to influence your partner to change to one where you put your power into your own changes. It's not easy to do at first, but you'll quickly find that it relieves a lot of stress and pressure on the relationship. It doesn't mean silencing your concerns about your partner, by the way, nor is it some kind of giving up.
But what if you could think about couple conflict as something you are trying to work together at so the relationship can win? Here's a question to get you into that zone:
What does my relationship need from me right now? What qualities, decisions, or behaviours would help our bond?
When you put the focus on changing something about yourself, all of a sudden you have influence again--in your own emotional world and in the relationship as a whole.
The self-changes to target are not ones that begin with "should": eg. "I should be more forgiving and less critical". The reason for this is anytime you "should" yourself, there is a conflict going on inside of you. The presence of the word tells us that part of you wants to but another (bigger) part doesn't. That's going to fall flat eventually if you try to force that should to happen, at least in its current state.
Here is the most important criterion for goals you set for yourself: You must be motivated to work on this goal about yourself, even if you partner doesn't work on themselves, or only takes minimal steps. Otherwise it is not really an autonomous goal, it's still a quid-pro-quo, which puts you back in the quicksand.
Remember, even taking some steps in the direction of the goal will feel good--for you!
Here’s to a better relationship and autonomous goal development!
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